Russian Wedding
Ceremonies and customs of a typical wedding as they are in Russia.
In the picture: A car decorated for a wedding in Vladivostok. The sticker with a dragon is not part of the decoration; it was just there.
Today’s wedding traditions originated during Soviet times, absorbing Soviet ways, ancient Russian traditions, and traditions of other cultures of the republics with which Russia coexisted as a part of the USSR. Nowadays, wedding options are much greater, thus you’ll see various ways of organizing a wedding. It is limited only by the creativity of the betrothed and their financial capabilities, or rather, the financial capabilities of their families. That said, there can be simple gatherings of a few people or a massive event, inviting hundreds of guests, having celebrities, and going for a cruise around the world. However, most ordinary families, especially outside larger cities, still follow wedding customs as they were back in Soviet days.
Many Russian brides want their wedding to be massive and memorable, because for them getting married is a pivotal event and probably the greatest achievement of their lifetime. At least this is how they feel before joining a divorce statistic. A wedding for many brides is a fetish, with only one tiny issue: it costs a lot of money. Years ago, rumors circulated about families selling property to cover wedding costs, which, knowing life in Russia, sounds like truth. These days, selling real estate to have a posh wedding is unlikely, yet not many families have enough savings to afford a wedding, thus many get into serious debt. Normally, wedding costs as well as organization responsibilities are split between the families of a groom and a bride.
In this publication, we skip everything that precedes the very day of the wedding, except one thing: choosing a day for the marriage. The marriage must be officially filed with the registry office. Since most weddings are scheduled for Saturdays, time slots for marriage registration in registry offices are becoming limited. Therefore, the dates are selected months beforehand. In addition, this time allows families to prepare for the wedding.
For organizing a wedding, families of soon-to-be spouses can hire a special agency, if they can afford it. Most families choose to do their own preparations for the sake of saving on costs.
On the day of the wedding, a groom with his best man and closest friends comes to his bride’s home in a car specially decorated for the wedding. The make and model of a car can be anything from a limousine to something simpler, depending on what the family can afford. Decorations include two rings with bells on top of the car, flowers, colorful bands, balloons. In Soviet times, they used to place a plastic doll in a bridal dress in front of the car’s grill, but this decoration seems to be obsolete.
Having arrived, the groom needs to go through a ritual of buying out his fiancée. Some of the bride’s friends stop him before the door, and he has to pay a symbolic ransom for getting access to his bride. Sometimes he is asked questions about his bride, and he has to answer those questions correctly or pay for each wrong answer. This ritual stems from ancient wedding traditions, the meaning of which has been lost completely. In a modern wedding, it’s mere entertainment, and asked why they do it, no one will be able to give any rational explanation, except for referring to it being a tradition.
In the meantime, ideally, the bride and her bridesmaid are on standby: the wedding dress is on, the bouquet is ready. The groom takes his fiancée to the car, relatives and friends get into other cars, and off they go to the registry office (Russian: ZAGS, ЗАГС), to a special venue called “The Palace of Weddings.” For most weddings, the betrothed hire a cameraman and a photographer, who follow the bride and groom and document everything. Later, they will produce a wedding album and a video recording of the wedding. After waiting for their turn, the bride, groom, their relatives, and two enter the wedding hall, to the music of March by Mendelssohn. March by Mendelssohn is an official wedding march in Russia, indispensable and irreplaceable. On one hand, the ceremony is solemn; on the other, it’s an official state procedure of registering a marriage. The registrar, always a woman, is waiting with marriage certificates ready. She says some official speech, the bride and her groom sign marriage certificates, a bridesmaid and groom’s best man (Ru: svideteli, свидетели) sign it too. The registrar officially declares the newlyweds a wife and a husband. They exchange wedding rings, which are very simple rings made of gold, typically with no stones or any other decorations. As a finale, they seal their union with a kiss. The registrar says some more words of congratulations, and the ceremony, which takes 10-15 minutes, is over. Family and friends, who spectated the ceremony a few steps away, approach the newlyweds with congratulations and give flowers.
When the newlyweds leave the registry office, outside they get showered with grain (usually rice), money (coins), and flowers (rose petals). This is an ancient ritual for the longevity of their marriage and well-being for a new family. Some newlyweds perform a ritual of releasing two white doves. Some hang a padlock to a bridge or something else (you’ll see some bridges bending under the weight of those locks). Some newly married toast with champagne, shattering their glasses on the floor. There is an endless choice of rituals and traditions, all for predetermining the marriage longevity, in a celebration of exuberance and happiness of the family. On each wedding, you’ll witness something new, unexperienced before.
The events of a wedding day following official registration may vary, depending on how the wedding is organized. Some newlyweds decide to seal their union with a church ritual. They go to a church and go through a church wedding ceremony. It is believed that a church ceremony will provide extra protection for the family and bring in security and well-being. Whether the newlyweds are active members of the church does not matter; most of them never go to church, appearing there just for the ritual. Church marriage is not accepted officially, while the church will not perform a ritual before the official state marriage registration.
In Soviet tradition, after getting married, newlyweds would tour the city, stopping by a Great Patriotic War memorial to lay flowers. Not sure if this tradition is kept, most likely in smaller places it is. There can be many other events, places to visit, and activities, which depends on the creativity of a family and, most importantly, time they have before the celebration party is arranged to begin. Many of those events serve as fillers between the registration and the wedding party.
For the wedding party, which in simple words is a feast, they rent a restaurant or a special venue. The number of guests depends on how much the families of the betrothed can spend. Normally, all the relatives get invited, close friends, and sometimes, important people who have nothing to do with the family and are not friends. Those are called “Wedding Generals (Svadebnie generaly).”
Guests are to bring gifts, which can be material gifts such as household goods, but most often it’s cash. Cash is important because it helps to recoup the money spent on the wedding.
The centerpiece of each party is tables full of food and drinks: appetizers, salads, and hot dishes are served later. Some have live music, some hire a DJ, some have none of that, just playing some music records. For the party, families of newlyweds hire a special person, tamada (not a Russian word), who performs the role of an emcee, master of ceremonies. Their job is to turn the event from a boring dinner into an interactive show with toasts, competitions, and other kinds of entertainment involving all the invited to keep the atmosphere dynamic, fun, and lively.
And again, there are endless rituals and traditions. One of the traditions, which, as far as I understand, has nothing to do with Russian culture, is stealing the bride. Some guests play as “bandits,” steal the bride and hide her until the groom buys her out. Ages ago, in some ex-Soviet republic where this apparently comes from, it was a real thing, but now it’s just one of the elements of wedding entertainment. Another one: In one of the weddings I was invited to, one of the relatives would crawl under rows of tables, steal a shoe from the bride’s feet, fill it with champagne, and make the groom drink it, to the latter’s utter annoyance. What was that supposed to mean? Who knows. Throwing a bride’s bouquet over her shoulder happens sometimes too, but this is not a Russian tradition. It is borrowed from foreign movies where they have weddings.
Guests eat, drink, chat, and make toasts. Each toast for the new family is ended with a ritual word - Gor’ko!, or горько! (En: bitterly), which calls newlyweds to kiss. While they kiss, everyone keeps shouting: gor’ko!, gor’ko!, and the longer they can last their kiss, the stronger and longer their marriage is destined to be.
As more alcohol gets consumed, tamada becomes less needed, as guests entertain themselves. Tamada may also have some drinks along the course of the event. On the country wedding I was attending, the tamada got so wasted that she fell on her back announcing another toast.
The alcohol and overall atmosphere dissolve any barriers, and the Russian soul opens in all of its breadth, and everything turns informal and relaxed. Guests start more and more conversations, voices are becoming louder, and finally, it comes to crazy dancing, regardless of guest’s age, status, and dancing skills. By the time they bring out a wedding cake, not one is interested. Sometimes, conversations between guests, less resistant to alcohol, may spark a conflict which ends in a fistfight. There is a saying in Russia: “There is no good wedding without a good fistfight,” so you can consider fighting at a wedding a tradition too.
Wedding day often resumes late in the evening. In rural areas, festivities may continue on the next day. The second day is less formal; there is no wedding dress and no tamada. Guests are curing hangovers and finishing food and drinks that are left from day one.
For those men looking for a wife in Russia: Be prepared to go through most of the above if you get married in Russia.