Russian Family

What you don’t see behind closed doors of a Russian family life.

Text in the Soviet poster above says: Mutual respect in the family, care for raising kids.

“Husband and wife are one Satan,” Russian proverb.

Family in any culture is such a vast topic, so one post would never suffice to explain all undercurrents and intricacies of family dynamics. Probably this post will inspire subsequent publications with more details and specifics of how the Russian family works. That said, I will highlight certain aspects that immediately come to mind when thinking of a Russian family and point out those that stand out in Russian family culture. It is important to remember that the most powerful force in any family, regardless of the country or culture, is the personalities of spouses. In addition, all families are different, and listening to people’s stories, you’ll find various examples of how they sustain their family life. Some individual stories will be in line with what’s written below, some wouldn’t fully agree with it. Thus, take the below statements with a pinch of salt, still remembering that evidence of each point mentioned is found in most Russian families on a larger or smaller scale, whether they realize it or not.

There is a certain romanticism that, like a halo, surrounds male-female relationships in modern Russian culture. On one hand, those purely fickle feelings often break against the brutal reality of life, but on the flip side, it helps keep relationships alive. On top of things, it’s feelings and affection; without which any family in any culture wouldn’t be harmonious and efficient. Faded feelings is one of the most common reasons for divorce, but if the divorce does not happen, it might turn a family into a co-living with family roles, because feelings are not always a key priority. Oftentimes, family spins around children and their well-being, and many parents are willing to sacrifice their own life for the benefit of their children. Yet, the ability to keep the spark between spouses will help to overcome all obstacles and keep the family long-lasting and happy against all odds. Commitment, dedication, and trust in one another are powers that make a Russian family strong, long-lasting, and yielding happiness.

A Russian family can be compared to a clan. This implies deep connections based on trust, closeness, mutual support, family traditions, peculiar internal dynamics of relationships between extended family members, informal roles, and responsibilities. Getting married to a Russian requires approval from both families. This is not a formal approval; it’s getting a sense of acceptance expressed mostly in subtle, indirect ways. Personal acceptance is key, because when two people get married, they do not become a detached family starting their new life on a blank page. They will remain in connection with their parents’ families on both sides and to a certain extent depend on those connections. An individual coming to a family becomes a clan member who needs to prove they are worthy of trust and bring no harm, neither to each family member nor to the family as a whole.

Everything that happens in the family must stay within the family. The ruling principle here is “Не выносить сор из избы”, which directly translated as “No bringing trash out of the house.” Adapted translation: Keep a lid on things. In reality, family issues get discussed with friends and even with co-workers. Hence, family life of others often becomes the subject of rumors and gossip.

Usually, parents have their expectations and requirements for prospective spouses of their children. In reality, those expectations are never in line with what their children want and who they choose as mates. This is one of the greatest obstacles in being accepted and trusted, resulting in a clash in relationships between in-laws and one of the spouses. That said, being accepted is important, as family ties are strong and will be affecting a marriage for as long as it exists. When it comes to acceptance of something or someone new and changing of their views and ideas, Russians are extremely rigid, and proving yourself to be worthy of respect can be a challenging task. Your mate's approval of one as a partner, for the family, comes secondary. Many parents attempt to arrange marriages for their kids, but that almost never works.

Roles in Russian families are clearly and firmly defined for both spouses. Wives are expected to run a household, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, and raising children. Especially cooking skills seem to be one of the key virtues of a prospective wife. If a fiancée is demonstrating good cooking and housekeeping skills, she earns more respect from her future in-laws, as they can have confidence that their son will be given into good hands. “A pathway to a man’s heart leads through their stomach,” Russian wisdom says. If a wife is not good at cooking, she can be considered by relatives an incompetent wife and receive a lot of criticism.

Maternity leave in Russia is three years. Legally, men can take paternity leave too, but they never do, as taking care of the children is predominantly a woman’s part.

Men are to make money. In real-life scenarios, wives often work either because their husbands don’t earn enough or because they want to have a career, do what they love, or have a bit of financial independence. Oftentimes, female workers openly confess that they don't need to work, because their spouses make plenty of money for the family. Still, she just doesn't want to be a stay-at-home mom and wants people around her. If a husband is making good money, but his wife still prefers to have a job, she typically leaves the money she makes to spend on herself. In Russia, this type of income is called “на колготки,” or “for pantyhose,” as being an inexpensive yet indispensable part of women’s wardrobes.

Russian families have a joint budget, and splitting any costs is a no-go in Russian families. It is expected that husbands will give most, if not all, of their salary or other income to their wife, and she will manage the family budget. Typically, Russian men have very little money to themselves unless they make a lot and can easily (or secretly) spare some funds for their own wants. In reality, it’s not that simple, but it works more or less this way. Families where a wife is a key money-maker do happen, but that is rare.

Having a job does not rid women from their family responsibilities; it’s rather an add-on, and they still have to do what a wife is supposed to do. The jobs around the house are divided into men’s jobs and women’s jobs. Men are expected to be handymen and do the hard jobs around a house: fix things, do the heavy and technical stuff, take care of the car(s), and so on. Inability or unwillingness to do their part in running a household labels them as a lousy husband. Men must be generous with their wives and treat them with gifts, flowers, trips to places, and other things. It must be admitted that many men in marriage can become lazy, lacking initiative. Partly that is due to individual characters, partly because jobs and hard work often drain one both physically and emotionally. In their spare time, men want to do what pleases them: watch football, drink beer, and other manly stuff, but their spouses are not happy about it. But again, everyone is different, and instead of laying on a couch, many men play sports or pursue other active hobbies.

A few lines from a song by Ekaterina Semenova, a Russian singer, about what a woman expects from a good husband:

[I wish he…]
Didn’t drink, didn’t smoke,
And always gifted flowers,
He brought his paycheck to the house,
He called his mother-in-law mom,
He was indifferent to soccer,
And not boring in company,
And on top of all things,
He should be handsome and smart.

For many women in Russia, finding a spouse, getting married, and having children pose an ultimate life goal; everything else comes secondary. Hence, in marriage, they do not seek personal relationships as such, but a status, which leads to many marriages not thought through, having imbalances in expectations, and lacking important connection elements which make up a strong family. Many soon-to-be wives have heightened expectations of their soon-to-be husbands in terms of the abilities of the latter to provide for the family and be a stereotypical good husband. Those expectations are, in most cases, not fulfilled, which becomes either grounds for a divorce or a never-ending strife in the family. Many husbands live under constant pressure, being demanded to make more money and conform to the husband’s role as it is imagined by their wives, and being unable to do both, are being verbally abused and humiliated. Only Russian men do not view this kind of treatment as something negative, but rather an inevitable part of family relationships. A grumpy wife who constantly nags her husband is a common character in Russian folklore.

In addition to making money, husbands are supposed to be very masculine, strong, assertive, and bold in their behavior. If he doesn’t meet those criteria, he is a lousy husband. Men who fully submit to their wives are called подкаблучник (podkabluchnik), and this is one of the most humiliating labels to have in Russian society. Married men’s looks come secondary. Wives are somewhat responsible for how her man and children’s looks, and if they are sloppy, husband’s and children’s outfits are a mess, it’s his wife to blame. Often, men in Russia don’t care about their looks at all; their spouses even buy clothing for them. Contrary, women must look perfect and make up for all the deficiencies in her man’s appearance. She must be gentle, feminine, and strong at the same time.

The Russian mindset is hierarchical, and that affects family relationships as well. Keeping the balance of power between spouses is probably a part of a recipe for sustaining a long-term spousal relationship. Being on the weaker side as a spouse voids one’s voice in the family. Being a weak husband who gives in to his spouse fully or a submissive wife sets a family up for conflicts and dysfunction.

If you imagined a Russian woman as a submissive and obedient wife, that can’t be further from what it is. The Russian wife often rules the family; she is a driving force behind everything that the family is about. “A man is a head, a wife is a neck,” a proverb says. That means the thinking and decision-making part (although in good families, decisions are made jointly) are up to the man, while direction of attention is a woman’s part.

Russian women can be very high-maintenance, which might lead to issues in relationships if her man can’t keep up with the demands. Many women believe that by being dominant, pressing, controlling, and manipulating her husband, she can keep the marriage together. Often this goes way too far and turns into wives severely mistreating their husbands in terms of attitude towards them, which is reflected verbally. Yet, situations where women are being abused by their spouses are also not unusual. Domestic violence is extremely widespread in Russia; beating up a spouse from a legal standpoint is not a criminal offense. Physical punishment of children is also considered a normal way of parenting.

Extended family plays a paramount role in Russian family life. Connections between family members are tight and kept through regular communications, gatherings, and visits. Those visits can be sporadic and without warning, which is more widespread in rural areas. It is expected that family members will help one another in various ways, including financial help. In a way, each member of a family “owes” to the other members, no matter how remote those might be. Of course, this is an imagined debt and not necessarily of a material nature. The help might be asking for favors of various nature, like, for example, providing a stay for relatives of an extended family, not only yours but your spouse’s in the event you’re living in a bigger city and they are coming on vacation. You can expect support and help in return, as much as other family members’ abilities allow. Mutual financial support is also important. For example, if one of the siblings is doing well financially, it is somewhat expected that they will help their other siblings with money. Sometimes it is borrowing money, which will never be returned. When it’s not your direct relatives, but relatives on the spouse’s side, the same principle applies. Marrying a Russian, you are marrying into their whole family.

Grandparents are expected to help raise grandchildren. If grandparents choose to have their own life and not be involved much with their children’s family, it most likely will not be understood and will be condemned. The very least help expected is babysitting, but normally grandparents do a lot for their grandchildren. Most Russian grandparents are looking forward to taking on their role. It is not unusual for parents to help their newly-married children financially and otherwise. In general, many grandparents see their role in helping their grown kids to help establish and maintain a firm and stable family life. Younger families receive loads of unsolicited advice on how to build relationships, run their family, and raise their children. Aside from advice, it is customary for parents to bring food to families of their children and do other good things. In return, they might ask for help on a dacha or elsewhere.

Overly proactive involvement of in-laws often becomes a reason for conflict between spouses. Especially mothers-in-law on both sides can be intrusive to a family life, and in many families, this becomes a reason for tensions. Most of the Russian family folklore revolves around mothers-in-law, as their connection with children seems to be more close, and parting with them more uncomfortable. That happens because many parents, especially mothers, who are directly responsible for raising children, in Russia devote their entire life to their kids, and when they get married, they feel hard to let them go, because it creates a huge void in their lives. Often, they are unable to find something meaningful and substantial to fill that void. They attempt to establish their presence and be useful in the young family of their children, but that usually doesn’t work well.

Young families live with their parents only if their housing and financial situation gives them no other option, which is not that uncommon. Considering how young marriages can be, not having solid financial grounds, newlyweds have no choice but to stay with one of the in-laws. They have their first child and maybe a second child living with their parents. You will find a plethora of families of five or six, representing three different generations, crammed into tiny Russian apartments. Such co-living in a usual scenario is responsible for conflicts and strife.

Conflicts in Russian families can be very emotional, with raised voices, yelling, throwing things, and even a physical fight.

It is expected that children will take care of their parents when they get older. Nursing homes do exist, but there are a few. Sending an elderly parent to a nursing home from a societal point of view is considered writing parents off, and it’s a shame. The government nursing homes generally provide their services at levels below any civilized standards; very few can afford private facilities.

Relationships in Russian families are a subject for shows, movies, TV shows, books, and folklore of all kinds. Soviet movies recommended to watch are: “Любовь и Голуби” (“Love and Doves”), “По семейным обстоятельствам” (“Under Family Circumstances”), (“Singles are Provided a Hostel”), “Родня” (“Kinfolk”), “Самая обаятельная и привлекательная” (“The Most Charming and Attractive”), and many others.

If you made it to the end of the post, may I ask you, what is different in your country? What surprised you about a Russian family? What questions came up after reading this piece? Thank you for reading and your feedback.